Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy... NOT the MotoGP News: Midnight at the oasis… Send your motorbike to bed

Welcome to NOT The MotoGP News – our blog by Guy Anderson. Oh – and when you’re done, make sure to go follow Guy on Twitter – @SirGuyGuisborne

Yep, we’re back for 2018! The ed forgot to lock us out of the bunker of doom, so we take that as an invitation to write more rubbish for another season. Huzzar!

And race numero uno is held (as you all know) in the middle of a pile of sand and blowing tumbleweed. Losail is an arse of a place to hold a race. But c’mon folks it’s MotoGP and we’re desperate! We were more excited than Rod Stewart in a fertility clinic…..!

Talking of excitement: Moto3! How we’ve missed these idiots tearing up each other in an effort to harness the strength of testosterone. And boy there’s been some changes in the ranks of teenage nutjobs, with a fair few moving up to Moto2 or just not getting a contract at all. One name has gone and us lot here miss him for going on his own volition; Juanfran “Che” Guevara. No more broken bones, twisted ligaments or torn tendons. Bugger it.

Back to reality – Antonelli had pole but what the heck is pole worth in a Moto3 race? Nada. Martin, Bastardsurnametospell and Canet are the kiddies we think will shine this year, but they’ve all flattered to deceive before.

And back to the future we went – one long train of bikes in a line, slipstreaming like a conger eel of addicts on their way to the crack den. Darren Binder tried to pick up his brother’s nickname and binned-her along with Oetl on Lap 5. Not content with that Bastardsurnametospell did likewise a lap later. Fiddlesticks we all shouted. At the front Martin and Canet clung on like shipwrecked fools cling on to a buoy – desperately! And whilst Nanny McPhee and Digi began catching the leading group, long-haired ner’do well Nicola Bulega tossed it at the scenery from 17thplace! He’s supposed to be a lot higher than that. Then long-time Belgian Loi retired. We’re not sure if that was from the race or series – he’s not as good as he thinks he is.

As ever (and boy we’re grateful Moto3 continues the fine tradition) the pack chasing Martin and Canet got wonderfully out of shape and reckless in the final laps. With P1 and P2 sorted the last podium place was anyone’s. Well it was Dalla Porta’s in the end.

Bloody fine stuff and onto Moto2. To say we were underwhelmed by the thought of Moto2 is one heck of an understatement. Even after the whole of winter and spring without any racing, we were still prepared to think about BSB for at least a second.

With Frankie Morbid-deli moving up to MotoGP and Tim Luthi going too, this has to be Alex Marquez’s best shot at a title. The faster of the two Marquez brothers (yeah right, no one actually believes that do they?), Alex had pole in the bag and looked good for the win. Ahem.

Just as Moto3, there was a raft of new names including Danny Kent (who he? – Ed), Joan Mir and Mad-as-hell Fenati. Luckily for us, and to keep everyone awake Bus-Pass Pasini is still racing. Thank god for that. As far as the race goes, Marquez was passed by Baggy Bagnaia and Bad-ass Baldassarri. These guys got stretched out in the podium positions with Bus-Pass a way back in fourth. This doesn’t look good for the rest of the season. Returning Lowes was down in 11th when he fell off, and sixth on the grid Kent rocketed backward to 16th then 17th. Hmmmmm…….

The one flicker of entertainment was Marquez’s rear disc glowing red hot. Either it jammed on or he overused it. Twitter had either as a reason. Who cares? It slowed him down for a while and Bus-Pass nearly got him. But that was it really. Baggy won, Badass was second and the man with no nickname (Marquez) was third…….Zzzzzzz.

Charles Aznavour look-alike Zarco was on pole alongside Marc and 1970’s pornstar throwback Petrux. This looked good even before the flag dropped. Dovi was fifth on the grid and Viñales was 12th! Different things would happen to these two, but both would finish smiling. Unlike Lorenzo who started ninth, and then had a squeaky bum moment when his brakes failed mid-race at Turn 5. And his mechanics even found a brake pad that had popped out at the crash scene. Someone’s going to wake up with a horse’s head in their bed…….

Anyway, Zarco managed to keep out in front and Rossi managed to keep at the front end. All the time Dovi looked cool, calm and Italian (is everyone sure he really is Italian?). Brilliantly Tilbury’s best painter and decorator, Alex Rins just charged along like he was keen to get down the pub to play the slots passing Pedrosa on the way. Shackle-dragger Miller looks like a renewed man on the Ducati, and funnily enough so does Rabat who we slagged off all last season for being an arse (whoops and sorry). Basically customer Hondas are shite. Still.

Nikki Sixx stunt double, Andrea Iannone (ask @fran_corchamps who Nikki is) didn’t do half as well as Rins, getting stuffed by Miller on a satellite Ducati. Though to be fair Rins lost the front and crashed out on lap 11 at Turn 2.

At the front Marquez was performing miracles to keep up with Zarco and to hold Dovi off who had moved into third. Viñales (yes – for it is he) had by now found something. For most of last season he looked more lost than an unloved kitten left on the hard shoulder of life. But anyone called Maverick is always going to be Top Gun (see what we did there?) and pull through, aren’t they Goose? Anyway, he just about managed to get on terms with the leading group.

Last season Marquez and Dovi gave us the best battles in ages. And they pretty much equalled each other in beating one or other. This race was the same with Dovi once again keeping his head. Bloody ace.

But Losail? It’s just not serious as a venue is it?

…….and the biggest joke of all is that they never had to build any car parks, because no one ever goes to watch at Losail.